Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
