The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
