she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
