That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
