Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize