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Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
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