Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
