Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize