She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
