I'm sorry my penis didn't work
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
