So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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