she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
