yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
