we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
