I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize