There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
