You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
