Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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