Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
