I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
