Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
