Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
