Best friends brother. Beat that.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
