My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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