Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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