I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
