so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize