last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
