please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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