Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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