Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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