Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
