Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize