and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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