O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
we're making bets on your personal life
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
