Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
