I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Randomize
