I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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