i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
