i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
