Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
