She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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