mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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