i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
