im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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