Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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