what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
