The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
That accounts for only three of the penises
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
