does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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