Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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