By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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