Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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