Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Your cock deserves a montage
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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